This time of year is frantic no matter what I do regarding The Holidays, and I should factor this into my scheduling. It is the darkest time in my part of the world – where the smart animals decide to hibernate. I, on the other hand, am running around like a chicken with my head cut-off.

I am anxious. I keep popping the vitamin pills my nutritionist, Sam, tells me to take whenever I feel anxious. There are so many things I’d like to do before I take five days off to celebrate Christmas. Because then there are only five days left until the New Year. I always want the New Year to be New. It seems a sacred ritual to me to organize the past, so I can let it go. These pills seem to be working.

I am mindful that I want to live in a present story. I laugh at myself as I get up early to make deadlines of book projects, consolidate my “to do” list which is in a green journal, a pink journal, a blue journal, three legal pads and five – 5”x7” pads. I tell myself I must power on even though I feel ridiculous like I’m the partridge in a pear tree.

It is my oldest friend’s birthday today. She is turning sixty. We talked on Saturday and Tami is okay with the aging process as long as she feels healthy. So far, ‘knock on wood,’ that is her reality. I am turning sixty in the summer. We are celebrating together by taking the Amtrak Coast Starlight™ from Seattle to Los Angeles next fall. I send her a little toy train as a reminder that we are going to have a fun adventure together.

And then I hear that the Amtrak 501 derailed this morning near DuPont because it was going too fast. http://www.king5.com/article/traffic/amtrak-train-traveling-at-80-mph-before-derailment-ntsb-says/281-500303305. People are dead. Seventy-seven people injured and extra blood is needed. People are stuck in traffic because I-5 has been shut down and they are trying to help people off the train. I start crying. This tragedy is senseless. Uncontrollable tears for all these families who have been traumatized and will never be the same again. In a blink of an eye, lives change.

I go to see clients and record their stories. The last one is in Burien. I take I-5 north. I have no idea that there has been a fatality in a truck accident near downtown and traffic is at a crawl. Instead of thirty-minutes getting back home, it takes ninety- minutes. All the way, I am listening to local news surrounding the fatality in this truck accident and the Amtrak disaster. I cry some more because it seems like I’m in this deep dark box and there’s no exit.

Where is the light? I feel too many boogeymen, and I am wet to the bones. The rain falling on this gloomy day doesn’t help my outlook.

I get home and try to collect myself. I talk to Steve, one of my old bosses. His voice is pure sunshine. My youngest daughter, Sam, comes over from work to pick up her cleaned Down Blanket. She gave it to me last Thursday because there was blood all over it. She wasn’t expecting her period, but it came early, and the coverlet looks like an item from a crime scene. I tried Resolve and washed it but no results. I put the wet thing in the downstairs bathtub, poured all of my crystal bleach in it and filled the tub to the top. But the thing kept bobbing up to the top, so I put seven ceramic mixing bowls on top to hold it down in the water. I kept it there for thirty-two hours and then washed it in the washer twice. Honest to God it came out like it was new.

So Sammy and I had a good talk, but we were both tired, so she didn’t stay long.

What a day it has been. It’s 6:30 in the evening. I feel the darkness. What am I going to do with this dark since there are a few more days until Solstice? Nothing to do because I am tired. I grab a yogurt to eat and tell my husband I’m going to bed. I get undressed, brush my teeth, turn on the electric heat mattress. I set my alarm for 2:15 and pull the covers over me.

I woke up at 2:00 but stayed in bed till 2:15, so I could say my prayers. Five hours into this day and I have done many things to make me feel sane in this insane world in which we live. Thank-God The Solstice is almost here. I am crawling out of that box.

What about you? Were you in that box with me? If I had known, we could have had a party. Happy Solstice!